Guidance of The Month: October 2006
Q: Why is it so important to “separate” from my parents in order to establish my own path in life, and how do I do this?
A: “You need to assert your own hard-won point of view because theirs is so limited and limiting in scope that you would truly never find out who you were meant to be. This can be accomplished only by breaking away entirely from their rule, and that entails seeing your world separately — as separate from — theirs. And accepting that only your way is valid for you.
This means strongly but diplomatically rejecting your parents’ ideas about who you should be, where you should go, with whom you should or should not associate, and what money to spend — on a daily basis — whenever such matters arise. Be firm in your stance, and your stance is this –
‘ I know I am doing things (seeing things, creating relationships with people) differently than you do or you think is right, but that is who I am, and I cannot force myself to be like you anymore. I did that for many years, and I was unhappy. It also made me unhappy — even angry and resentful — with you, because I blamed you for expecting me to be a certain way.
I finally learned that you were not to blame — but that also meant taking responsibility for my own actions, and once I really started doing that, I began to see just how different my real needs and thoughts and beliefs were from yours. And I began to feel okay about that, rather than beat myself up about being different, as I always had in the past. Always.
I thought I was a bad person whenever I didn’t meet your expectations or assumptions of what I should be doing in work, in school, in my personal life. Nothing seemed to ever really please you unless I somehow did exactly what you had in mind at that moment for me. Then I was suddenly a good, intelligent person who “did the right thing.” The only problem was, it wasn’t necessarily the right thing for me, and I wound up being unhappy again very shortly, because I knew I couldn’t keep up the pretense of being that person you had approved of.
I can function very adequately in the world now even without your validation, because I have learned that the only real, lasting validation comes from my own heart. I have learned to forgive myself now, whenever I feel I hurt someone or could have done better, or made a poor choice. Because I know I am learning from my mistakes and these lessons are just what I need to help make me a more loving, wise, and worthwhile person.’
This is how you can communicate your separateness to your parents in whatever way seems appropriate. You can only win with this approach, as you are taking a non-blaming, assertive, positive position that does not focus on any shortcomings of your parents, but on your own needs and growing ability to get them met.”