Diane’s Blog

I’ve been spending some time considering what my deepest desires are lately.  Have you done this?  It seems to be a very effective way of paring away the superficial in life from what really brings us joy.  At least it is for me.  This is partly a function of aging — hell, I know that.  I turned 58 in November after all. 

But there’s also more to it.  It seems to me more and more that in this consumer-driven society it has become increasingly difficult to separate MY desires from those that are created artificially and funneled into my home via a television,, the Internet, etc.  Perhaps you’ve worked your way past these manufactured “needs”.  There’s still one more hurdle to jump, and that’s the trickiest one – the ego. 

It’s my understanding that one of the main reasons we are here is to learn to recognize and follow our inner voice over that of the ego, and for most of us this is a lifetime’s work.  In other words, you will probably receive one list of desires from someone to whom you ask, “What are your true desires?” 

That list will look quite different if you ask them to spend a week holding the question lightly in the back of their mind, letting it drift in and out, especially before they fall to sleep at night, and then allowing the answers to bubble up  from the heart in their own time.  If you are at all interested in following your spirit’s lead, this exercise is an effective measure of how far you’ve come. 

I’m not saying that your deepest desires have to evolve to the point where they are all non-material — please, spare me that.  As long as we have bodies it’s probably better to stay in them.  I would simply say that if after 20 years of telling yourself that you are working on your personal baggage your list of desires is still heavily weighted on the material goal side, you may need to go deeper. 

 I’ve noticed that over the last 10 years or so, my list of heart’s desires has become more and more weighted toward nature — I seem to need ever-increasing amounts of time spent walking through forests and observing the birds’ behaviors.  Having this information available to me on a conscious level has made it easier to act on.  And harder for others to convince me that something else is more important.

Here we are, nearly a week into the new year, and I’m just starting to think about what that might mean for me.  How about you?  Does the beginning of a new year bring with it the promise of untold possibilities?  A new chance to rewrite certain chapters of your life? 

 If nothing else, we can choose to see the beginning of each year as a marker — a cue that reminds us to look closer at the life we are living.  Sometimes that’s all that’s needed because what we really need more than anything is to see ourselves differently.  At this point in time and space on planet Earth, it seems increasingly difficult to find something stable to hold on to. 

Time itself seems to be speeding up, and it’s easy to get the feeling that we’ve lost our way, or that we’ve let potentially meaningful experiences slip through our fingers.  I’d like to share with you a realization that came to me gradually over many years — even now I can forget sometimes and slip into my old ways.  I guarantee you that if you can remember to put just this one thing into practice more and more often, your experience of life will dramatically improve. 

Honor Your Own Personal Experience.  What does that mean?  It means that in a world filled to overflowing with experts, pundits, and specialists of every stripe, it is becoming increasingly necessary to ask, “But is that my truth?”  Largely because we have allowed science to dictate our reality for us, we have accepted the “scientific” paradigm that allows “experts” in every field to negate our own, often hard-won experience. 

15 years ago, when I was presenting classes in the Adult Education Department of my community, I decided to present a one-night class about Fibromyalgia.  Having dealt with this syndrome since 1972, I felt that I was well-prepared to share my repertoire of healing techniques.  Shortly after the school brochure containing the class description was published, I received a phone call from a local physician.  He challenged my authority to present such information, stating that I was not a physician.  He was. 

Interestingly, he was not a rheumatologist, which is the specialty that deals with this problem.  Apparently he felt that the initials M.D. after his name gave him special knowledge unavailable to me.  My statement that I had many years of experience with this problem was meaningless to him.  I remember being shaken, but more resolved than ever to share what I had learned.  And so it goes. 

There’s a reason that personal experience or “anecdotal evidence” is not accepted by the scientific community.  The reason is that consciousness is an area about which scientists are so afraid that they won’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.  If you doubt this, try talking to a so-called expert in just about any field about your personal experience and see how far you get.  This wouldn’t be problematic except for the fact that science alone is too limited and too biased to guide our lives in more than a rudimentary way. 

If you take a look at the truly fearless people on earth these days, you’ll see that they all have one characteristic in common — they didn’t listen to anyone who tried to dissuade them from pursuing their dream, no matter how impractical or naive it may have seemed to everyone else. 

So — what will it be?  Will you allow the unlimited capacity of your conscious mind to take the driver seat, by letting it guide you to what ever it finds of interest — for no other reason than that?  Or will you slumber with the masses who nod and shrug every time they receive “definitive” advice from “them.”  As in “They say…”  I’m betting on you.

“Well, I’ve done it again.  Yup — caught myself any number of times in the past week trying to figure something out again.  Thought I was past that.  I certainly know it doesn’t work, which is why I worked so hard to drop this particular strategy from my repertoire over the last eight years. 

What happened eight years ago, you may well ask?  Here’s what happened: I decided to participate in the “Whole Life Expo” in Cleveland by purchasing booth space.  I was at the time calling my work “The Heartlogic System” and this seemed an excellent way to promote it.  This turned out to have been a naïve move on my part, but it was fun.  Across the aisle from me was a man named Gary Bonnell, whose booth seemed to promote books he had written; he also seemed to be giving brief readings of some sort. 

I paid little attention to him until the third and last day of the Expo, when I had a little free time and spent some of it looking over his books.  I was fascinated; here was all sorts of information about such topics as reincarnation, various esoteric wisdom teachings, and the Akashic Records, about which I knew next to nothing at the time.  I sought Gary out, and, to make a long story short, he sat me down for a free five-minute reading. 

I only recall one thing from that reading, but it’s a doozy.  He said, “Stop trying to figure things out!”  I said something like, “Yeah — you’re so right.”  Then I spent the next few days driving around in my car trying to figure out what he meant by that.  I finally got it, but it seems to have taken a long time for me to really implement this in my life.  After all, I spent the whole of my life up until then doing just that most of the time — trying to figure things out in my head, mostly so that I could experience some sense of control over life.  Some degree of safety. 

 Isn’t that what we do?  If I can just figure out ahead of time exactly what it is that my boss wants, I’ll have it made.  If I can just figure out how to make this relationship work — etc., etc. and so it goes.  In this analytical, left brain-worshiping society we can’t leave anything to “chance.”  The problem with this approach is that it ignores at least half of the information that is available to us. 

That information is contained within what you could call “intuitive knowing.”  We don’t know where we got that great idea that just came to us, but we know it didn’t come from analysis of the situation.  It just appeared.  In fact, it is just this process by which almost all of the world’s greatest ideas, inventions, and art have manifested: you do all the practical information-gathering, and then you let your intuition guide you. 

 I know this is so from my own experience, because I have now tried it again and again over the last few years, and it always works so beautifully — really beyond any initial expectation –that I am always shocked that I spent so much time “up in my head” going around in circles trying to force my brain to do work it was not cut out to do.  Once in awhile I still have to remind myself that this is so, and that happened this week. 

 I always catch myself at some point in the “chasing the answer around like a rat in a maze” mode; I notice that I am starting to feel a fuzziness in my thinking process as I continue to try to force an answer to come but keep hitting my head against a brick wall.  How does this work for you?  If you’re still trying to “figure things out”, why not step back and give life a chance to lead you?  I’ve found myself led to magnificent vistas that I never “figured” I’d experience.

Today I checked in with my guidance to see if there was anything special that you could benefit from in this week’s blog.  The following is what I received: 

 ”We are all on a journey, one of tolerance, greed, poverty, wealth — in short, experiences of all kinds.  As we travel down our own personal road we each will experience a moment or a number of moments during which everything changes.  What does this mean?  Simply that all that we thought was true, all we assumed was important, and all we hoped was real is suddenly seen to be illusion. 

 It now becomes necessary, for the first time, to jettison the old, outdated thinking that allowed us to continue living with this illusion as if it were truth.  In this moment the world as we know it slides away and behind it we catch a glimpse of real life.  How does this manifest?  For some, this will mean a loss of a relationship and glimmerings of their true ability to lead a solitary life.  For others, illness will strip away the illusion of control, showing another way to live — that of acceptance; trusting life to take us to places that are frightening without fighting against it every step of the way, and in so doing finding faith. 

 No matter how it comes to us, each of us is due to wake up to our true nature as a lovable, worthy, creative child of God whom no physical circumstance can break.  We can allow this to be our greatest moment or continue to try to keep change at bay.  No one can force us to evolve; those who choose not to, won’t.  It’s really that simple.  It’s a personal choice. 

 We still think we are living in a predictable world governed by human logic.  That is the reality that must give way to the greater perspective behind it: We are governed by divine logic and have little “control” over anything.  The universe works in a way that is foreign to our logically oriented thinking, but mystery is an acceptable mode for living.  This means that although very little that we set our sights on turns out according to our plans, there is a loving hand behind every situation, guiding us toward greater congruence. 

 Our job is simply to notice that this is so as we walk through our experience of life; to allow ourselves to open to the possibility that human logic is not meant to be our only guide.  Then, as we continue to open to the opportunities that come into our lives, sometimes disguised as events that feel negative to our judging mind, we begin to suffer less.  We begin to attract into our lives those people and situations which more closely match our evolving Self.  We begin to see and feel a greater potential for personal achievement; and we begin to notice certain areas of our life in which things seem to be falling into place without any effort on our part.” 

 And so, perhaps each time you hear another horror story on the news this week, instead of your usual response, try using this as a cue to remind yourself that, seen from a higher perspective, all is well.  That we are right on schedule on the planet, that there is a guiding hand behind every event, and these events can be seen as opportunities to move beyond our perception of control and into a space where we no longer feel the need to judge and to be “right.” 

 We can each experience great shifts in our own lives by initiating such an attitudinal change.  The new energy we carry then touches everyone with whom we interact.  At some point, a critical mass will be achieved, and Earth as a whole will awaken to the greater perspective of cosmic, or unity, consciousness.  Even if you feel skeptical of all this, acting as if it were true will bring you great rewards.  What do you have to lose?

I asked for guidance recently about marketing my web site.  The answer I received made me say “Duh!”  Guidance is often like that, in that what it really does is tell us what we already know but haven’t yet brought into sharp focus.  (Often because we don’t want to) 

 So this answer seemed obvious:  “You are an unconventional person — why would you choose to pursue conventional marketing advice?  It won’t work for you.  You will need to allow your creativity to flow freely; then you will find the methods that “work” for you.”

This inspired me to take another look at my life: sure enough, I have almost always been different.  But that square peg-ness was extremely painful in my first, oh, 40 years or so.  I feel compassion now for the Diane who so desperately kept trying to fit into a world that didn’t accommodate her uniqueness.  The thing is, if you haven’t looked within in a serious way over time, how can you know what your needs really are?  Most of us think we know, but we don’t. 

Here’s a test: How many times have you agreed with someone in the last week without digging deeper to take stock of how you really feel?  Then look at your life and ask, “How often have the important events and turning points in my life been governed by “shoulds”?  For example, I married my first husband because I was 37 years old and held the belief that if not now, when?  There’s a “should” for you. 

 Or going back further, I went to college right after high school even though I hadn’t a clue about who I was or what I wanted in life.  All my friends were going, and it was assumed by all that I would, too.  “Here’s the application; pick a major.  Well, put SOMETHING down.  You can always change it.”  Only since my early 40s have I really celebrated my different-ness, and that was pretty wobbly until more recently. 

 Now I realize that the very qualities I once felt I had to hide are the ones that comprise my gift to this world; it is always so.  If there is one pearl of wisdom I could give, it would be this: Choose to dig deeper and find your own different-ness, because within it lies the key to your greatness.  Okay, two pearls: If something isn’t working for you — look more closely.  Maybe it isn’t meant to, if it doesn’t fit who you really are.

For most of my life I had a fickle relationship with practicality.  Or at least with my beliefs about its meaning to me.  I wasn’t conscious of this and so I got into a lot of trouble along the way, blaming everyone else for my unhappiness and misfortunes. I remember being expected to choose a major for college and being stumped.  If I had allowed myself to believe in following the desires of the heart, I would have chosen theater or dance.  Instead I chose home economics — I hear you snickering out there — in the 60’s this was still considered a viable choice for “young ladies.” 

Within a year it was the “Summer of Love” — 1967 — and my world was flipped on its head.  The rebellious impulses on which I had begun to act rather meekly in my freshman year went into overdrive and my grades suffered accordingly.  I dropped out halfway through my senior year.  Hey — I didn’t need that piece of paper, man!  I was so Mary Tyler Moore meets Janis Joplin — a truly half-assed, reluctant hippie who still had not a clue about who she really was — but now I felt empowered in my cluelessness.  Wasn’t I part of a movement? In other words, I still had a very unhealthy relationship with practicality.  The only difference was that now, instead of completely buying into my parent’s notion of what’s practical I completely rejected that same notion. 

 Hello!  I couldn’t see that I wasn’t following my own blueprint — or rejecting it.  I was rebelling against an image of myself that had been projected onto me by people who thought they knew who I was–or should be.  No one, least of all me, realized how far off we all were. I was 40 years old before I began to suspect that my life was little more then a continual allergic reaction to other people’s vision of me, particularly what was “practical” for me.  How can we make smart choices for ourselves if we aren’t on intimate terms with our own deepest needs?  With our true intentions?  Yet I talk to people every day who never seem to check in with their own gut feeling — or, having checked in, refuse to honor it.  Why?  It always seems to be a variation on “Not practical.”

If we truly are at least as much Spirit as we are matter, can we afford to live our lives as though these vital impulses of our heart are anything less than practical?  If they aren’t, then who IS driving our car?  Have you ever suddenly just KNOWN something is wrong but you ignored that knowing and persisted in acting on what your head told you to do, only to later regret that betrayal of your own inner wisdom?  (Yes–my first marriage, but that’s another story…)

I have a feeling that if we each decided to expand our definition of “practical” to include our gut reactions, within a year we would have successfully steered this planet in a much healthier direction.  I know, I know — that would require a leap of faith because most of us still accept the consensus reality that the ego voice is the ultimate authority.  What if it turns out to be the other way around?  What if our own personal inner guidance system, driven by our intuitive voice is actually the smarter CEO?  What do you think?  Isn’t it time we try something different?

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This is a subject I intend to return to again and again, in many different guises: We have to begin to trust our own inner knowing/gut feeling/guidance/inner voice/intuition — whatever words feel most comfortable to you — above all else.  We tend to allow much of our personal power to be sucked up by others.

Yesterday I started thinking about an article I read recently by a doctor of naturopathy.  At first her advice seemed reasonable, since it was about homeopathic medicine.  Then she apparently was nudged by her ego voice which told her to go for it — and she did.  She commenced to wax pedantic on all manner of topics, from healthful foods to sleep habits.  Specifically, how many ounces of broccoli to eat how many times a week, all the way to what time we should go to bed every night, and for how many hours.  There seemed to be no exceptions allowed.

I know this is the information age, but some of us seem to get carried away.  Do adults really need to be lectured on when to go to bed and how often we should experience “evacuation of the colon?”  And who is doing the lecturing?  Isn’t every fourth person you meet an “expert” on something these days?  Personally, as soon as I hear someone being introduced as an “expert” I head for the hills.

How do we discern where the expertise ends and personal opinion begins?  I had an intuitive reading by phone a number of years ago from someone whose work I admired.  About the fourth time I listened to the audiotape of this session, however, I got a funny feeling.  Although 75% of the information was obviously received from Spirit, the rest seemed to be his personal opinion.  Ordinarily I have no quarrel with people stating their opinions.  But it is incumbent upon a healer to differentiate for the public between information or conclusions arrived at from a higher source and that which rests solely on the say-so of the ego mind.  This healer — and a few others I’ve run across — didn’t do so.

As with any other position where people seek you out — politician, doctor, Minister – one has to guard vigilantly against loving the platform more than the truth.  Isn’t this happening everywhere today?  Everyone’s a pundit.  I hear increasingly nutty opinions every day by all sorts of folks who take themselves way too seriously.  And there’s always an audience.

I got pulled into this power matrix briefly myself when I began teaching adult classes about our inner wisdom, and here’s why — Reason #1: A lot of people treated me like a guru.  I was shocked.  They couldn’t divest themselves of their own common sense and wisdom fast enough, so eager were they to hear a “definitive” truth.  Reason #2: I was insecure about Diane’s worthiness.  It feels safer to hand out information as though it is 100% guaranteed certainty than to couch your knowledge in terms of degrees.  “This is fact” rolls off the tongue with a satisfying smoothness that “At least in my experience, here’s what works” never could.

I believe that the human race will not continue to evolve unless they get this issue straightened out.  It’s that basic to the fulfillment of our potential.

I still accept too much information as “fact”, but I’ve trained myself to notice more of my behaviors.  More and more I catch myself in my old habit of throwing away what really feels right to me in favor of someone else’s “right.”  I ask myself, “Does what they are saying really apply to my life, or do I need to check that out by getting quiet and sitting with it for awhile?”  Or alternately just acknowledging the cognitive dissonance I feel.  That’s guidance too.

 We don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water.  If we pick and choose what really seems right for us from the constant onslaught of wall-to-wall opinion, we can only become our truest self.

If any of this doesn’t fit who you are in this moment, please set it aside.  You’ll be that much closer to your own truth.

Earlier this week, during a visit with my friend Ken and his twenty-something daughter, the two of them recounted the blow-up that finally ended his second marriage.  Back then he had not yet developed the degree of self-respect needed to end an abusive relationship early on.  His wife had always been verbally abusive, but this time she crossed the line and grabbed her stepdaughter by the throat.  Ken had to separate them; it got uglier; Ken and his daughter walked out for good.

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Hi, people!  Welcome to my web log.  When I first thought of creating a web site to offer the spiritual guidance I’ve been providing for years, I felt very excited.  Then the fearful part of Diane’s mind rose up in horror: “Why would I choose to expose myself globally when what I do is still so misunderstood, not to mention so little known that there isn’t even a name for it?  Why would anyone want to do such a thing for that matter?  No, I’ll stay safe and just keep offering my services here in Asheville where my work is accepted.”

This inner dialogue ebbed and flowed over the next few days until suddenly I thought of Ethel and asked myself, “What would Ethel do?”  I knew the answer before I finished asking the question.  Allow me to back up and introduce you to Ethel.  In 1992 she changed my life and will always be a touchstone for me.  That October I was a recently divorced, fortyish social worker just beginning to reawaken my long dormant creative powers.  There was a Halloween party coming up at my workplace.  I knew this was my chance to break out.  I didn’t want to go as someone famous — anyone can do that.  Perhaps a twist on that theme; an unknown, barely talented but ambitious relative of some celebrity.  I kicked this around for awhile.

A couple of weeks before the party it came to me in a dream: Madonna’s cousin!  Oh yeah.  Over the next few days this character unfolded and Ethel walked — no, strutted — into my life.  Ethel Ciccone, Madonna’s cousin from the Bronx (with appropriate dialect): a part-time, freelance dental hygienist whose real talents (according to her) lay on the Broadway stage, although so far her talent had eluded anyone casting anything.  I’ll let Ethel take over: “I am aw-bviously the more talented one in the family.  I wasn’t named afta my idol, Ethel Merman, for nuttin’.  Madonna’s all twalk!”  We now watch as Ethel yanks open her lace jacket to reveal a black bustier (French corset) à la Madonna, and belts out the first verse of “Like A Virgin” with a Merman-esque delivery that knocks ‘em dead every time.

The afternoon of that office party I was, for the (very) first time (oooh!) the life of the party.  I had acted in children’s theater and knew I was a performer at heart, but as sometimes happens to young girls, I became too self-conscious by adolescense to follow it.  The next day my boss, who was a New Yorker, accosted me in the hallway.
“Doi-ane,” she said loudly, unwittingly  reminding me who had actually inspired Ethel’s accent and style.  “Do you think Ethel would be available to sing at my reti-ya-ment pah-ty next week?”  “Yes,” I said.  “I believe she would.”  And so she did.  Before 60 people, Ethel, in g and full regalia, sang “Everything’s Coming Up Roses,” Ethel Merman’s signature tune from “Gypsy.”  After a little initial nervousness, she was a sensation.

What does this have to do with you, dear friends?  In the ensuing weeks I began asking, “What would Ethel do?”  Whenever I felt intimidated or shy, she was always there, being who she is in a big way, with no apologies.  We each have an Ethel within us, urging us to play big instead of staying small and safe.  Ethel gave me permission to allow the boisterous, life-embracing part of Diane (who had learned early on to stuff her anger and please others) to come out and announce “I’m here!” to the back of the auditorium.

Acceptance of the entire cast of characters we each call our own plants both our feet firmly on the road to wholeness and fulfillment.  Who is your Ethel?  She may have something very different than mine to show you about yourself, but chances are you’ll find her in a dark corner where you may have left her long ago, out of fear that was real to you.  You and the world need to hear from her.

“Now’s your inning
Stand the world on its ear.
You’re gonna set it spinning
That’ll be just the beginning…”
              –from “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim