Diane’s Blog

Q:  Why is it so important to “separate” from my parents in order to establish my own path in life, and how do I do this?

A:  “You need to assert your own hard-won point of view because theirs is so limited and limiting in scope that you would truly never find out who you were meant to be.  This can be accomplished only by breaking away entirely from their rule, and that entails seeing your world separately — as separate from — theirs.  And accepting that only your way is valid for you. 

This means strongly but diplomatically rejecting your parents’ ideas about who you should be, where you should go, with whom you should or should not associate, and what money to spend — on a daily basis — whenever such matters arise.  Be firm in your stance, and your stance is this –

‘ I know I am doing things (seeing things, creating relationships with people) differently than you do or you think is right, but that is who I am, and I cannot force myself to be like you anymore.  I did that for many years, and I was unhappy.  It also made me unhappy — even angry and resentful — with you, because I blamed you for expecting me to be a certain way. 

I finally learned that you were not to blame — but that also meant taking responsibility for my own actions, and once I really started doing that, I began to see just how different my real needs and thoughts and beliefs were from yours.  And I began to feel okay about that, rather than beat myself up about being different, as I always had in the past.  Always. 

 I thought I was a bad person whenever I didn’t meet your expectations or assumptions of what I should be doing in work, in school, in my personal life.  Nothing seemed to ever really please you unless I somehow did exactly what you had in mind at that moment for me.  Then I was suddenly a good, intelligent person who “did the right thing.”  The only problem was, it wasn’t necessarily the right thing for me, and I wound up being unhappy again very shortly, because I knew I couldn’t keep up the pretense of being that person you had approved of. 

I can function very adequately in the world now even without your validation, because I have learned that the only real, lasting validation comes from my own heart.  I have learned to forgive myself now, whenever I feel I hurt someone or could have done better, or made a poor choice.  Because I know I am learning from my mistakes and these lessons are just what I need to help make me a more loving, wise, and worthwhile person.’ 

This is how you can communicate your separateness to your parents in whatever way seems appropriate.  You can only win with this approach, as you are taking a non-blaming, assertive, positive position that does not focus on any shortcomings of your parents, but on your own needs and growing ability to get them met.”

In my weekly talk with my dad last Sunday, a topic came up that I had hoped would not raise its ugly little head again.  First, let me remind you that my past relationship with my father was always rocky at best — there were times when we did not speak, and in some ways that was a great relief for me. 

 The verbal abuse I experienced from him growing up was something that I carried around with me for many years; it manifested as anger and the need to control others in order to experience what felt to me like safety.  Obviously, this created dysfunctional relationships, and until I hit 40, I blamed others for what I later realized I had created myself. 

 Over the last few years, and to the surprise and delight of both of us, my relationship with my father has healed to the extent that we can actually talk for extended periods of time without getting defensive and/or judging and even attacking the other person in some way.  However, my dad still seems to have the need to reminisce about how “nasty” I was to him in this or that conversation that occurred years ago — the implication being that I had been a very unlikable person until recently, when I somehow “changed my attitude” and turned into nice Diane. 

I have let this go over and over, as I know now that it simply does no good to rehash one’s perceived childhood pain with the aging parent who was involved.  Oh, I tried this a number of times years ago, and was shocked to discover that my father (and mother for that matter) had no memory of any transgression on their part. 

I guess I was in a sort of prickly mood this time, because I found myself resenting being placed in a position of apologizing for something not only dug up from the past, but in this case, a conversation I know did not go as my father describes it.  I suddenly heard myself say, “Well, you know, ours was the only relationship in the last 15 years that was problematic.  Yes, I know I was not particularly nice to you and at times even hung up the phone on you, but there were reasons for that.  You do remember that when I was growing up you did a lot of yelling. I was afraid of you and as I got older, I felt anger towards you for that.  You would call me “stupid” or tell me I needed to see a psychiatrist if I disagreed with you.” 

Needless to say, my father was shocked and horrified.  He has no recollection of any of this, apparently having always believed he was a wonderful father.  I could tell that he was grappling with it; that it could only cause him pain if he were to accept it.  We both fumbled around for a minute or two, until we agreed that the past truly no longer exists.  Since it doesn’t exist, why go there?  We both agreed that we are very very happy with the relationship that we have forged, that we each forgave the other some time ago, and that we don’t want to jeopardize it now. 

The ex-mental health professional as well as the hurt child within has always wanted to force my father to look at what he did and take responsibility for its role  in undermining not only our relationship, but all of mine until the time that I took things into my own hands.  Over a number of years, I successfully managed to exorcise all the old demons.  It took a great deal of time, effort and inner work, and required brutal honesty on my part. 

I know now that I can’t expect a parent to do the same — it’s just not reasonable.  And after all, if we can take it upon ourselves to meet each new moment with acceptance of someone, no matter what our history with them, won’t we be able to see them more clearly than we ever could through the lens of historical pain?  (End of post–please ignore below)

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Before I begin this week’s entry, I want to state that the classes I mentioned in last week’s entry are on hold for now.  For a number of reasons, I will probably not present anything until spring.  So — more on that in a few months.

Having been back from my trip to Cleveland for a couple of weeks now, I am really struck by the connection between travel and perspective.  It seems as though I can go along in the same groove daily — repeating my routines, as it were, almost indefinitely.  But yank me out of that groove, even for a week, and suddenly I am seeing many things more clearly.  I imagine that many of you have had this same experience. 

When we drove up to Cleveland, Jim and I were planning to build a house here in Asheville.  Two weeks later we are planning to move to Massachusetts at that time instead.  What happened?  Change is a funny thing — you have to be ripe for it or it doesn’t happen.  No one can MAKE you change your mind about anything.  That’s nonsense.  But if you already have a million little questions swimming around in your noggin, then all it may take is one whack on the side of that noggin and presto — those questions suddenly coalesce and new awareness pops up. 

 Apparently the questions in my own head had been multiplying over the last few years — questions regarding what I really need in terms of where I live.  Seven days in Cleveland and I know I belong in New England! Realizations happen in just that way, I have found.  The simple act of spending time with a few of my good friends in another city was enough to push me out of denial and face my true needs.  Let’s face it — we are all in denial about various things in our lives.  It’s the American way. 

 We have fears, mostly about change, it can seem much easier to not rock the boat.  The problem is, the nagging questions in the head don’t go away — they get louder over time, and more difficult to suppress.  Sometimes we project them on to something else, so fearful are we of looking at what we really need to thrive.  I thought I had invested so much in my choice to leave Cleveland and be here in Asheville — but the truth is, a couple of very important needs were not being met. 

On our drive home from Ohio, I decided to blurt out to Jim some of my feelings of unhappiness, and I wasn’t too surprised to hear him agree with me.  A few days later, I asked for guidance about how to know where to live among the numerous options we seem to have.  Among other things, I was guided to spend some time thinking about what my needs really are — particularly those which determine where I live. 

This turned out to be extremely helpful; out of six major needs, I have two that are not being met.  At this time in my life, it’s clear to me that I will not be happy allowing one third of my major needs to go unmet.  Sure, there’s plenty of natural beauty, space, and a benign climate here; what there isn’t is: people of my kind (bright, Northern, liberal, irreverent, literate, humorous, compassionate) and a close proximity to culture: museums, plays, etc..  Oh, there are some folks that fit the description I just gave, but not many. 

Mostly this is a Southern culture, and I have never acclimated.  Let me put it this way — hearing country music on the loudspeaker in every single store I walk into here is a form of water torture, and I need to be released.  I realize not all of you will agree with me about that, and that’s as it should be.  It seems to me that at this particular moment on the planet, when we are speeding towards an uncertain but undeniable destiny, one of the most important things we can each do to assure our individual groundedness is to find the geographical spot on which we feel most at home. 

 Look around you — what works for you and what doesn’t work so well?  Is there something you can do about it right now, or within a year or two?  More and more I find that I’m not willing to settle, especially when that means compromising my ability to feel joy on a daily basis.  How about you?

Well, it’s good to be home.  Especially since I just learned that the Great Lakes area, which I visited last week, received a very early snowfall — just four days after I left!

Before I go on to talk about the reunion I attended, an announcement: I will be presenting a class or two in Asheville next month.  I have yet to decide on the main focus, but the top contender at this time is Relationships.  Check back here next week for more information. 

Okay, now for the disappointing news — my 40th class reunion was a bust!  Out of 600 classmates, only 70 attended.  70!  And I didn’t even know the majority of them.  Only two female friends were there, which was something; not one male.  In thinking this over since then, I’ve decided that the best explanation is that a lot of folks attended either the 25th or 35th reunion, found it dull, and vowed to never return — as I did last Saturday night.  The question remains — why did I want to go to this thing anyway? 

After the fact, the answer was different than what I had thought.  Well, sort of different.  It’s still true that I was curious to see where life had led so many of the people I had known, and I wanted to apologize to a few of them, whether or not they knew what the heck I was talking about.  But I also had to admit that I wanted to be seen.  And admired, perhaps. 

I noticed that in general the women looked much better — healthier, younger, more well-preserved — than the men in attendance.  There is still a part of me that can’t seem to get past that superficial need for the kind of attention that being attractive brings with it.  I guess it was unrealistic of me to think I had left that behind entirely, when so much of my earlier life seemed to depend on it for defining who I was. 

This seems to be tied in to the false spiritual understanding that as you evolve spiritually in your life, you get to a point where appearances mean nothing.  Perhaps that will happen some day — I’m not there yet.  And that’s OK.  I’m learning that it’s just as easy to beat yourself up over spiritual success (or lack of it) as any other kind.  I see this all the time in healers around me, and I’m no exception. 

Another revelation was that my desire to see and talk to my high school friends was for the most part sentimental.  And therefore it may have been for the best that I didn’t see them.  The truth about these friends is that they fell away long ago, largely because I let them do so.  Not having a clue as to who I really was back then, I tried to fit in, and found a group of simpatico girls –my “group.”  Around the time of our junior year in college, things started to feel uncomfortable to me — largely due to the fact that I was going in a different direction both socially and politically than these people. 

They were on one side of the Vietnam war debate; I was on the other.  They were on career tracks; I was on the hippie track.  Although we stayed in touch for the next few years and I even roomed with one of them, it became more and more painfully clear that we had very little in common.  We drifted apart and I never looked back.  Well maybe a little.  Again, for sentimental reasons. 

You really can’t go home again, and that’s the truth. Too often we let what we think “ought to be” guide us.  That never works in the long run.  Childhood and adolescence are a time of seismic change, and we will never feel again the way we did then.  Some wish they could go back — there is no back — it no longer exists.  I don’t want to go back — perhaps I had hoped to glean a little more understanding of those tumultuous years, when Diane was such an unknown element.  Fortunately I don’t have a “need” to do that.  Right now feels better and better to me.

I will be on vacation until October 10.  Yes, it’s time for that 40th class reunion back in Cleveland.  Yikes.  As promised a few months ago, I’ll tell you all about it when I return.  Take care now.

Q:  Please give me a meditation on attitudinal healing — especially forgiveness.  I’m just beginning to see that I need to bring more forgiveness into my life in order to be happy.

A:  “Here is a meditation that will bring you what you seek:

When I look at the ways in which I have been less then forgiving with myself over the years, I begin to understand why I am unable to forgive others.  I have only to look at my own need for forgiveness to realize that when I withhold it from others, they are hurt, and I also hurt myself because I have not opened my heart. 

My ability to forgive myself is growing as I practice it daily, but I know I must remember to do so regularly or I will lapse into my old, out-dated way of attacking myself for not doing things perfectly or understanding other people’s needs completely. 

I now know that I am too hard on myself and it is that unforgiving attitude which keeps me separate from myself and from the happiness I seek.  The punishment, the blame, has got to stop altogether, for who do I wish to be if not a loving, guilt-free, forgiving person who attracts people with the same qualities to her?  And how can I become that person if I can’t forgive myself even for the minor flaws that really are only signs of my human imperfection? 

When I get up in the morning, I will remind myself that I am a worthy, perfectly imperfect human being who deserves all the love and success and freedom from fear that anyone could ever deserve.  And that by practicing that attitude in little ways today toward others, I am also giving the same love to myself.  And vice versa.  For how can I give love and forgiveness unceasingly to others if I have not given myself those gifts first? 

Only when I am able to go through a day holding no grudges, letting go of all anger soon after I experience it, and seeing only the light, the good in others as well as myself, will I know that I am beginning to get out of my own way.  And that will mark a new beginning for my life.”

The other night I was watching The Dr. Phil Show which featured a face-off between a young, attractive woman in her 30s and a man of about the same age, an attorney.  The young man, who is African-American, is bringing a lawsuit against the woman who runs a revenge-oriented web site for women who feel they’ve been treated badly by males. 

 The gist of the tale is that more than one woman posted their complaints about this particular man.  Each of them cited a different problem, ranging from asserting that he is actually gay to alleging that he has herpes and did not inform them.  His real name was used and a picture of him posted.  This man argues that not only are these allegations untrue but that they could cost him dearly in terms of future employment, if any potential employer should “Google” his name on the Internet and turn this information up. 

Both he and Dr. Phil made numerous attempts to get this woman to say that she at least understands his predicament; she did not.  In fact, she asserted repeatedly that she has absolutely no responsibility for any of the information posted on her web site.  This is what her lawyer told her.  It is apparently her main defense. 

 None of us except the man filing the lawsuit can know where the truth lies, but where does the responsibility for posting this information line?  It’s a question that’s has been intriguing and bothering me a little ever since.  As the plaintiff pointed out, having this information posted on a web site is very different from seeing it in print elsewhere — on the Web,  it could be there forever. 

 Isn’t this a familiar refrain?  It seems that everywhere I go these days I run into people or organizations or institutions who believe they are being victimized, and they take no personal responsibility for the actions on their part that led to their victimization.  If no one is responsible, how will we ever resolve our differences?  Perhaps even more important, how will we evolve spiritually?  Because evolution of the spiritual kind, which as far as I’m concerned is the most important kind, only occurs when we each make the choice to take responsibility for every word and every action that we put out there. 

I know about this first-hand because I didn’t begin to take responsibility for my actions until I was 40 years old.  Until then I blamed everything and everyone around me for my unhappiness, and that meant that I was dependent on change to occur from the outside rather than how it actually happens — from the inside out.  The wonderful bonus for me (and everyone around me, I’m sure) was that as soon I began to say “I guess I created that”, I stopped feeling victimized.  Who knew? 

 It’s as if we’re being asked to take responsibility now on the global level — anything less seems to be resulting in egos clashing, people dying, and situations becoming worse rather than healing.  While it is certainly possible that the woman appearing with Dr. Phil has the law on her side, I keep wondering where is her sense of moral or ethical responsibility for the space that she occupies on the Web?  Multiply her web site by just a thousand and imagine the possible consequences. 

I had to make a decision a number of years ago that I feel relates to this issue.  When I receive spiritual guidance from a higher source, it doesn’t feel as if it’s coming from Diane.  Many times I don’t even know what I have written in answer to a question from a client — I have to read it over after I’ve channeled it.  But I realized at a certain point that if I didn’t take responsibility for the words I am writing, who could?  Spirit?  I don’t think so.  Although that would be nice…

Today I checked in with my guidance to see if there was anything special that you could benefit from in this week’s blog.  The following is what I received: 

 ”We are all on a journey, one of tolerance, greed, poverty, wealth — in short, experiences of all kinds.  As we travel down our own personal road we each will experience a moment or a number of moments during which everything changes.  What does this mean?  Simply that all that we thought was true, all we assumed was important, and all we hoped was real is suddenly seen to be illusion. 

 It now becomes necessary, for the first time, to jettison the old, outdated thinking that allowed us to continue living with this illusion as if it were truth.  In this moment the world as we know it slides away and behind it we catch a glimpse of real life.  How does this manifest?  For some, this will mean a loss of a relationship and glimmerings of their true ability to lead a solitary life.  For others, illness will strip away the illusion of control, showing another way to live — that of acceptance; trusting life to take us to places that are frightening without fighting against it every step of the way, and in so doing finding faith. 

 No matter how it comes to us, each of us is due to wake up to our true nature as a lovable, worthy, creative child of God whom no physical circumstance can break.  We can allow this to be our greatest moment or continue to try to keep change at bay.  No one can force us to evolve; those who choose not to, won’t.  It’s really that simple.  It’s a personal choice. 

 We still think we are living in a predictable world governed by human logic.  That is the reality that must give way to the greater perspective behind it: We are governed by divine logic and have little “control” over anything.  The universe works in a way that is foreign to our logically oriented thinking, but mystery is an acceptable mode for living.  This means that although very little that we set our sights on turns out according to our plans, there is a loving hand behind every situation, guiding us toward greater congruence. 

 Our job is simply to notice that this is so as we walk through our experience of life; to allow ourselves to open to the possibility that human logic is not meant to be our only guide.  Then, as we continue to open to the opportunities that come into our lives, sometimes disguised as events that feel negative to our judging mind, we begin to suffer less.  We begin to attract into our lives those people and situations which more closely match our evolving Self.  We begin to see and feel a greater potential for personal achievement; and we begin to notice certain areas of our life in which things seem to be falling into place without any effort on our part.” 

 And so, perhaps each time you hear another horror story on the news this week, instead of your usual response, try using this as a cue to remind yourself that, seen from a higher perspective, all is well.  That we are right on schedule on the planet, that there is a guiding hand behind every event, and these events can be seen as opportunities to move beyond our perception of control and into a space where we no longer feel the need to judge and to be “right.” 

 We can each experience great shifts in our own lives by initiating such an attitudinal change.  The new energy we carry then touches everyone with whom we interact.  At some point, a critical mass will be achieved, and Earth as a whole will awaken to the greater perspective of cosmic, or unity, consciousness.  Even if you feel skeptical of all this, acting as if it were true will bring you great rewards.  What do you have to lose?

Last week I finally read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn.  I’d heard about it for years, but never got around to reading it.  As you may know, it involves a re-telling of human history with a different storyline then we have been taught.  The interesting thing to me is how drastically this history is changed by simply telling the story from a different point of view. 

 I started to think about how we are bombarded every day with “facts” about our health, our opportunities for advancement, and our safety, to name a few.  Then there’s the whole realm of political persuasion, in which every elected official and pundit assures us they speak the “truth” with their “facts.”  Isn’t it funny — a large percentage of our U.S. population believes the “facts” spouted by one political party, while an equal or greater percentage sucks up the “truths” of the other. 

 What’s going on here?  Can that many people be wrong?  How do we separate fact from opinion and truth from “truthiness”  before the next generation of history books are written?  I’ve noticed that we are now being lied to.  By everyone.  All the time.  I’m no longer referring to politics alone.  Oh, no.  Apparently the rules changed without fanfare a while ago while we as a nation were collectively napping. 

 Suddenly it’s not just OK — it’s a “strategy” — to lie about the free trip to Florida  you’ve just won but didn’t really; the “natural” ingredients in that jar of peanut butter; how much weight you can realistically expect to lose on the latest 98% caffeine diet pill; how you, too, can qualify for this shiny new house (car, boat, whatever) even with that basement-level credit score. 

 All this has got me wondering — who determines where we go next as the most advanced brainstems on this planet?  Telemarketers?  Political operatives?  Fortune 500 corporations?  In other words, who will we, as sovereign individuals, allow to not only determine the course we take from here on in, but also interpret the story of that course for future generations — if there are any. 

 I keep coming back to the lowest common denominator — personal truth, the kind you can only gain by experience and observation.  We tend to reject personal experience out of hand in our society — it can’t be measured in a lab, so it’s fairly worthless stuff.  If that’s ”true,” I ask myself, then why does my life keep improving and feeling increasingly authentic and “safe” the longer I do all my own testing in the laboratory of Diane’s daily life? 

 Each of us has to make a decision based on the following question: ”Do I need to look to others for “truth” and hope that I follow the “ right” authorities, or is there an innate wisdom within me that I can tap into and allow to guide me safely through life?”  Once we know the answer to that question we can make one of the following our conscious decision:  “I will put the future of this planet into the hands of those whose agendas I cannot know” or “I am now ready to take responsibility for my role in determining the success or failure of the human experiment.” 

As I thought about this topic, I laughed, suddenly recalling a review of Stanley Kubrick’s final movie, “Eyes Wide Shut.”  The reviewer said this movie seems to have been written by someone who hasn’t been out of the house for 35 years, to paraphrase.  These days it sometimes feels like it would be safer to stay in, doesn’t it?  I certainly empathize with people who have agoraphobia. 

Intellectually I know there’s nothing to fear outside the relative haven of my home.  So why do I breathe a sigh of relief almost every time I return home and close the door behind me?  I don’t buy into the propaganda–ish statements made by politicians with agendas.  They tell me it’s not safe out there because the world is now full of people who want to do me harm.  Huh uh.  One thing I know for certain is that we create our own reality according to our beliefs, so if it’s a dangerous world you believe in, a dangerous world is what you’ll experience — it really is that simple. 

How do I know?  Because I’ve tested this universal law over and over in the living laboratory that is Diane’s daily life.  Observation over many years tells me we really do experience what we expect to come our way.  Of course, there are mitigating circumstances, and it can also take time — sometimes a lifetime — to manifest what our beliefs dictate.  But proof is with us daily if we bother to look around, that life is one big, hairy self-fulfilling prophecy.  Or as Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “Believing is seeing.” 

So if I’m not afraid, what has kept me in my house for so much of my adult life?  Yes, I’m a bit of a hermit.  As an only child, aloneness is comfortable for me, not lonely.  But I also know part of me wants to be with people to exchange ideas, feel supported, and just enjoy being social, dammit!  When I lived in Cleveland I went out almost every weekend, but I had a “best friend” then.  For some selfish reason she couldn’t just pick up and move to Asheville in 2000 when I came here. 

And, yes, I got married over a year ago, but hey — I married another only child!  So far we’ve spent most of our time as a cozy twosome, but we’re both starting to suspect there may be a bigger world out there.  There’s a reason that home theaters and computers are so popular — more and more of us are choosing to stay in the house.  We don’t even talk on the phone as often, and don’t try to tell me we’ve “replaced” verbal interaction with e-mail or text messaging.  If you believe that one, maybe you also equate intimacy with having sex? 

The sad thing is, I know in my heart that one of the keys to a world at peace is more of us going out there and mingling.  Now there’s a non-threatening word.  I’m determined to go out there and do some major mingling.  I have a hunch that it could lead to higher-level interaction, even.  Ultimately I want to feel “at home” anywhere I happen to be.  After all, I know our only true “safety” and “security” comes from becoming congruent — that place where finally, our outsides match our insides.  Well, gotta go out for a walk — the rain’s letting up and I’m feeling the need to mingle — if only with a few neighborhood doggies, for starters.